Mystical Unicorn Slot Machine

Mystical Unicorn Slot Machine – As you approach Las Vegas from that long deserted road at the edge of the desert, electric signs come on like a slow neon wave engulfing the entire desert. Now, as I turned onto Regent Avenue at night from that desolate stretch of Lagimodiere Boulevard at the edge of Transcona, I was faced with a similar scene – spreading neon signs, screaming electric signs and endless gathering of striped and large centers. box stores.

I see the giant palm trees approaching, coming out from under a sprawling slab of a parking lot. The Regent Club isn’t Las Vegas, but it’s the closest thing to it tonight. The goal is to drink until I’m zombie drunk and spend my money recklessly until I inevitably lose the entire $102.46 in my wallet.

Mystical Unicorn Slot Machine

Flashing neon everywhere, heavy surveillance, a gauntlet of kitsch and non-stop slots ringing – Ghostbusters slots, Wizard of Oz slots, Grease slots, Deal or No Deal Slots, *insert subject of this * slot. By the time you’ve walked under the aquarium tunnel and out the other side into a room painted to look like Treasure Island with jungle animals and a pirate ship you’re completely confused.

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A 69-year-old woman passes a Rod Stewart & Tom Jones Tribute poster. She looks at him for a moment

“I don’t think those are the real ones,” she says to her friend. Nothing is real here, lady. There is a talking skeleton next to you.

An elevator lowers them down to a kind of quasi-Mayan dust. I hear the quiet baseline of “Thriller” and as the elevator doors open cinematically and the music gets louder I see a dance floor full of energetic 50 to 60 year olds, many who dance in sync. I order two shots of tequila.

I’m still in Jaguars obsessed with the moons who are now yelling and screaming to “Gangnam-Style.” A man in an Acapulco shirt approaches my table. I try not to make eye contact. I know what he wants.

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I am very drunk and I have been circling the casino looking for the right slot to play. I run into my friend who has been playing the Black Widow for the last two hours. She is up $120. The woman next to me says she lost $100 on the machine my friend is playing. A gambler’s worst fear is that a machine will start paying out the very moment they decide to walk away. This is happening to her right now.

I’m starting to do a weird thing with a device called the Mystical Unicorn. I’ve seen several people pass by using some kind of blindfolded voodoo moves on their devices and I’ve convinced myself that this might be the key.

I’m not a gambler. What I mean by that is I’ve played a slot machine maybe four times ever. My intention is to lose my money quickly. I’ve had enough and I want to get out of here. I may have accidentally bet on 80 lines. I don’t know for sure. But the machine is now making more noises than usual and the Big Win sign has come up and people are starting to look over at me. I have won something. I don’t know how much, but the credit rating keeps going up. When it finally stops, I realize I just won about $220 for doing nothing.

I’m at McPhillips Street Station trying my luck with the craziest slot machine I’ve ever seen in my life, watching Godzilla breathe on buildings and tanks as they explode into points. I conclude that casinos are just giant arcades for adults, the elderly and the disabled. There are easier ways these days such as online sites like where one can play from the comfort of their home.

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I see a bobble head of Dean Martin singing “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head.” I want to play this one so bad I’ve been walking behind the guy sitting on it for 10 minutes. It’s not going anywhere. I find a slot machine named after Tabasco sauce and lose $30. I came here with $100 and now I have $20. I’m starting to feel shame and guilt.

Poker players will tell you that they are not gambling per se. Or at least this is what my poker playing friend is telling me right now as I prepare to leave for good. The casino hierarchy, as she describes it, puts table players at the top and slot players at the bottom.

She insists that poker is a game of skill. Everything else is just gambling and “if you’re here to gamble” she says, “you’ll always find a way to lose your money, even when you’re winning. “

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